Like Everyone Else, I Watched the Oscars

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Last night our friend Heather invited us over to her house to watch the Oscars. I can't say I care about the Oscars, like at all, but she said the following words: pizza, wine. When you say those two words you can pretty much get me to do anything. 

You: "Let's go jump off a bridge" 

Me: "Ew, no."

You: "I'll bring pizza and wine..."
Me: "What time should I be there? What bridge?" 

CB is the same when it comes to pizza and wine. Although I believe he wanted to watch the Oscars about as much as he'd like to watch an all day marathon of Real Housewives Potomac, he said he would go. We grabbed a veggie tray from the grocery store, because a veggie tray takes every party to the next level, and headed to watch the show. 

Aside from the pizza and wine being promised, I agreed to come with the understanding that the red carpet pre-show being a part of the mix. To keep things brief, here are some thoughts I had during the red carpet pre-show which I embarrassingly watched every second of, starting at noon. 

1. Holy red dress boobs. That supermodel -- oh, and don't think I didn't notice they never once called her a "plus size super model" simply, "Supermodel Ashley Graham" which I thought was awesome -- had the most sturdy breasts I've ever seen. I'm sorry but I heard absolutely nothing that was said anytime she was on the screen. CB earned bonus points with me too when he kept going on and on about how hot she was. Good work, CB. Good work. But really she and her giant boobs were super hot.

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2. Can someone please give the chick doing the interviews by the stairs a lesson on the English language? You had one job, to speak English into a microphone. She goes, "I'm graciously trying to walk down these stairs." Girlfriend. No. I thought she just misspoke, until she said it AGAIN, GRACIOUS, during the interview. The word you're looking for is GRACEFUL. Dear lord. Did anyone else see that? 

Ok, I'll keep the rest of my thoughts brief and sum it up into two bullet points:

3. Dress I hated thought was offensive to all 5 senses: Heidi Klum

4. Dress I want to be buried in: Cate Blanchett

As the red carpet show was wrapping up, we filled out our Oscar Ballot predictions. This was really humorous to me because I hadn't seen a single one of the movies listed, in any category, other than Star Wars. I had no idea what any of the movies were about, and I started making my picks based on totally ridiculous reasoning. This, I imagine, is how many people pick their March Madness brackets... "I have no idea who any of these teams are but I'm going to go with Valparaiso because I really enjoy the way the word Valparaiso rolls off the tongue." 

As you can imagine, I got like zero picks correct. Actually, we left around 9:45 and crawled in bed so I honestly don't have any idea how many I got right. Based on the fact that I had no correct selections at the time we turned the television off, and had selected Matt Damon for best actor, I assume I ended the evening by not getting a single guess right. 

At least in basketball they give you a hint based on the seed each team is. Someone should have told me that. Some one should have informed me that Son of Saul was a number 1 seed, and Theeb, my selection, was a distant 5th seed that no one in the Academy even bothered to go see. Crap. 

So yes, I was asleep before any of the big awards had even been given out. I of course know Leo won, but other than that I have no idea who or what won anything else. Did Christian Bale win? What movie won best picture? I'm sure you guys will tell me and save me the trouble of searching google for what I'm sure will take about a millisecond. 

I'll finish this post with two last words: Staci Dash?