These Are The Answers You've Been Searching For

There's a little game I enjoy playing called the "ask me anything" game! People stumble on my blog all the time after asking Google a question. It occurred to me though that they probably didn't find the answer to their question anywhere on my blog. That's really rude of me, not giving the people the info they want and need.
So today, the ask me anything questions will come from none other than my Google Search Terms! If you are not familiar with what that is, those are the little words people type into the google search bar, and then the robots at Google (I'm assuming all of which look like BB-8) somehow point them to my blog.

I'm not sure how people manage to formulate such IMPORTANT life questions to ask Google, but I'm impressed. Far be it from me to not answer each and every question that leads new fans to my little humble abode in blog land. Let's get started.

You would need the following 5 things to survive in Venus:

{Venus being me. Me being Venus}

1. The ability to put things together. I'm not dumb, I can put the Ikea table together, I'm just too lazy and would prefer you did that, thanks. 

2. Dallas Cowboys Season Tickets Because, America. 

3. Humor. If I'm funnier than you are, I'll just end up laughing at all my own jokes and that is awkward. 

*disclaimer* even if you are funny enough I'll still laugh at my own jokes

4. Celebrity connections. How else do you expect me to become a big shot? Hang out with normal people? Please. Hook it up. 

5. Platinum status at all Casinos. Free buffets and the penthouse suites. Good times to be had by all.

Well, let's put together a checklist for this question. 

1. Did you make it to work without spilling Starbucks all over yourself? yes or no

2. Did you wet the bed last night? yes or no

3. Did you smell acceptable enough to not have to shower this morning? yes or no

4. Are you hungover? yes or no

5. Is it a day not called Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday? yes or no

6. Does your iPhone have greater than 39% battery left? yes or no

6. Did you have pizza in the last 24 hours? yes or no 

8. Do you have a naturally high metabolism? yes or no

If you answered YES to at least 7 of the 8 questions, then yes, you are having a good day. 

Don't pick up ANY coins that are tails up. Penny, dime, quarter... doesn't matter. If tails, don't touch it.

Don't swing at the first pitch. I don't care if it is right down the middle, don't swing. Just don't. 

Dribble, Dribble, Dribble, Flip the basketball around once, then shoot the free-throw.

All stuffed animals must have a friend. No stuffed animal may sit alone. If you see a stuffed animal in a store, sitting alone, without the presence of another stuffed animal, you MUST purchase said stuffed animal and give him/her a good home. No exceptions. * Stupid velveteen rabbit*

You must always kiss your boyfriend twice.  Once is not even remotely acceptable.

 Is a rivalry between two vegetarians, still called a beef?

Turtles in a sprinting contest

Me scrolling Facebook and it is nothing but emoji-stuffed "It-Works Body Wrap" status updates

(I'm sorry, I'm glad you're getting that money, but I just can't)

Cookie Monster in Rehab

Lisa Loeb

Anyone who has a boyfriend who doesn't want to be put on social media

Anyone who has a neighbor who owns a Beagle (so, all of my neighbors)

Wile E. Coyote. Poor kid. He'll never catch that road runner.

So do you feel less intelligent after reading this post? Because that was the goal. 

Shout Out to Captain Google for giving me such great questions to work with! 

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You know what is sometimes fun? (By fun I mean quick and easy because you're slammed with work but still want to post.) Using old guest posts and repurposing/tweaking them for your own blog! Yeahhhh, that's my jam right there! This post originally aired, many moons ago, on my friend Nicole's blog, Just the Elevator Pitch.  You guys gotta promise me that you come by the blog tomorrow, ok? I've got a post celebrating an exciting milestone and I'm a little giddy about it.