The Story of Longhorn Polo Shirt Guy

In April 2014 I first signed up for Match.com, and it was mostly awful. That is, verbatim, what I tell everyone who asks me how Match was. 

My Match Profile Pic  

I was looking for someone who might one day be a father figure in my dogs' lives. I was taking this very seriously. If not for me, for them. 

I'd message back and forth with guys, then I would just stop responding to people, for no real reason -- their hair is just simply too fluffy. I think I secretly didn't really want to be dating because I was petrified of it.

A total of three boys somehow managed to make plans with me. I was so damn nervous to go out with someone I'd never met before. Looking back, I'm shocked I managed to get the courage to leave the house the first time, let alone a second time and third time. 

The first date I went on, the guy drank 6 different drinks. On a Monday. All of the drinks were vastly different. He told me he didn't like to have the same thing twice. Yikes. He had a white Russian, a glass of merlot, a daiquiri, a craft beer, a whiskey and coke and a glass of chardonnay. It was weird, he was weird. He then got furious at me when I told him the next day that I didn't think we'd be a good fit.

Not a good start to online dating for Sarah. 

The guy from the second date was really cute. Too cute. He made me so self-conscious. All I could think was how fat and ugly he must think I am. He didn't message me ever again after that first date and it kind of broke my heart. Not because I liked him, but because it left me feeling like I was an atrocious beast that didn't even deserve so much as a follow up message. 

After that second date, I pretty much stopped participating, stopped looking at profiles, stopped responding to messages. I was honestly just really sad over the whole idea of dating. Yes I'm aware I was being dramatic, but that's how I get. I overreact. 

About a month later, I finally logged on simply to look at who had sent me messages. I paid for 3 months up front, so might as well just look. It was depressing, but I really just didn't care to respond to a single one of those messages. Not even the ones clearly written just for me.

I was at work at the time, and up pops this message in the chat app. I'd been messaged in the chat app 2 or 3 times before, all by shirtless bathroom selfies, with messages that read, "wanna meet up 2nite?" 

This message though, was not from a shirtless bathroom selfie guy, but rather a seemingly normal dude in a Texas Longhorn polo shirt. 

"Fantasy football and sports fanatic? What are you trying to do, get every guy in Dallas to message you?" 

I giggled at my desk and wrote him back. We had a few witty comments back and forth and I felt genuinely excited about this whole thing for the very first time. Then the chat app crashed. 

THE APP CRASHED. 

I didn't have access to his profile anymore, I couldn't find him. I was frantic trying to find his profile again. Go damn figure, the first guy that I was into, now I can't find him. It was like reverse Cinderella. I was looking for the Longhorn Polo shirt that fit my guy, in a sea of Longhorn Polo shirts.

Turns out, based on the next email I received, he was frantically trying to find me too. An email pops up on my screen...

"That chat app is terrible! I had trouble finding your profile again, but I hope we can talk again soon!"

A big smile popped on my face. It was Longhorn polo shirt guy. To my shock, I liked Longhorn Polo Shirt Guy. I messaged him back, immediately, as fast as my fingers would allow. Like I tell anyone who asks, Match.com was mostly awful.... that is until it introduced me to the love of my life. 

So yeah, I met Chalupa Batman on Match.com. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?