Thoughts I Have When Posting to Instagram

Date: March 17th, St. Patrick's Day  Time: 6:00pm It's 6pm, on St. Patty's day, and I haven't posted anything to Instagram yet. If I don't post on Instagram on a holiday, did the Holiday even happen? No, is the answer to that question.
*Gathers all the green things in the apartment: a cup, a cocktail umbrella, and a second hand bookstore book that often doubles as a coaster for guests.*
I'm going to toss these next to my keyboard. The best instas have a keyboard.  

boring. maybe point the camera closer???   *boyfriend takes a seat and grabs a beer.... knows we will not be going to dinner for a while.* 

 "That isn't quite it yet either, maybe I put the mouse back in...?"

Why is everyone with a pulse better at staging photos than I am?
Forget this, maybe I'll just hold my drink and ask CB to take my picture. 
I feel bad asking him to get up, he just sat down....
"HEY WILL YOU TAKE MY PICTURE?"
*patient boyfriend sighs deeply, sets beer down and rises from couch reaching for iPhone* *patient boyfriend takes 4 steps backward---*
"NO NO NO NO, WHY ARE YOU SO FAR BACK?? I JUST WANT FROM THE CUP, UP."
*patient boyfriend takes 4 steps forward, snaps picture, hands iPhone back. He remains standing, waiting... knowing we aren't even close to done....* poor kid... it must suck to have a blogger for a girlfriend.
*glances down at picture on phone*

"SICK"
the devil called, he wants his "muahahhahahaa face" back.
*takes braid out, hand phone back* *patient boyfriend takes two more* 

"OH DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN --- NO!" 
"JUST FORGET IT, THANKS ANYWAY"
*patient boyfriend, feeling like a failure at life now, sits back down with his beer* hmmm... now what? 
duhhhhh, why didn't I start with this... selfies + dog = instagram... and look, there's a dog right there!
"VEENIE, VEEEEENIE.... VEENIE LOOK AT THE CAMERA... VEENIE CAMERA. WHOOO! VEENIE. HEY VEENIE. VEEEEEEEEEEN!
*snaps fingers next to iphone camera* 

 if you can't beat em, join em

 meh.

how about I channel my inner fashion blogger?

ok but, how the heck do they do this so perfectly? I've been blogging for 2 years and am totally baffled by the "over-the-head" outfit picture...
hmmm... let's try no face...

orrrrrr pretend like I'm drinking it?

 effing stupid. you and your stupid face suck Sarah. let's go back to no face at all

not the worst ever... but I'm sure I can do better...
*lightbulb dings above head, like in the cartoons*
"GREEN BEER! FOOD COLORING! YAAAAS!"
*moves back to computer desk*

 nails are kiiinda painted, maybe i should open the book?

i need a beer. 
oh right, i have a beer, I could take a picture of me drinking the green beer!!!! #genius

*sits on couch next to patient, failure-stricken boyfriend*
*takes boyfriend's hand and apologizes* 
*drinks green beer*
*posts absolutely nothing to Instagram*