The World of Coupons

I've never clipped a coupon a day in my life. 
I roll my eyes at the lady who argues 3 minutes of her life away over a 30 cent off coupon for a 32oz bottle of simply orange. 
Coupon Lady: Ma'am, Ma'am Ma'am now wait a gosh darned minute... it didn't ring my 30 cents off this bottle of Simply Orange. Cashier: *Calls manager* Manger waddles overManger: now which item is it we are looking at? *all three dig through spinning plastic bag holder thing-a-mah-bob (yes that is the official term)Coupon Lady: *Holds up Simply Orange*Cashier: yah so I tried to scan her coupon but it didn't take the 30 cents offCoupon Lady: Yeah this is the correct bottle this is what the coupon is forManager: *instructs cashier instead of just pressing the buttons himself (teach a man to fish and all...)* Now press back. Press Override. No, sorry hit override again. Wait why isn't override working? Oh, press back again. And hit zero. THEN press override. Press Back. Enter $5.49. Press discount. Enter discount. *Looks back at coupon to check what the discount was because remembering is hard*Coupon Lady: *screams* 30 CENTS!!Manager: Oh ok, enter -$0.30. Hit override. Enter. Enter six times. Override again. Ok there. Discount taken, ma'am. *Looks back at 40 people in line and apologizes for the wait.*

Me in line: *angry red faced emoji* 

So yeah, I'm not a coupon fan. 
I mean dang, just get the Kroger brand, why do you need Simply Orange?? Is your sensitive orange juice palette so refined that you require Simply Orange? Will your taste buds pack up and abandon you if you get the Kroger brand OJ? Why don't you just go and marry the Simply Orange if you love it that much??! 
I usually get my kicks by selecting the items that are 10 for 10 at Kroger, and buying six bottles of wine for that extra 10% off. 
That was until my life as I knew it turned upside down when I stumbled upon the digital coupon library on Kroger's website. I went to put my prescription on auto refill, when I noticed a little button that said savings. I like to savings and junk, so I clicked it, thinking I would miraculously get my $9 BC for free, or that it would come with a free box of tampons or something. 

 I just add it to my Kroger Plus Card? I don't have to hand them an embarrassing wadded up 30 cent off Simply Orange coupon? Well, I bet it is all just junk I'll never buy, let's take a look, what else do I have to do while I wait for my BC to fill......

    I mean, we're talking...Swiffers (duh need that)Laundry Detergent (duh need that)Paper Towels (duh need that)Trash Bags (duh need that)SELF Healthy Kitchen Meals (OMGEE) (duh need that)A BOX of Tomato Soup (didn't even know that existed but duh need that)

And before you knew it I had blacked out and there were 48 coupons pre-loaded on my card and I felt the sudden urge to smoke a cigarette for the first time. 
Seriously people, this is not a sponsored post. Did you know this digital coupon world existed? And not only that it existed but was full of USEFUL coupons like venus razors and swiffer sweepers???! 
Like, double you tee eff man. 
I suddenly have a new lease on life. I feel like I've solved PI. This is how Lewis and Clark must have felt. Also don't ask me to elaborate further on Lewis and Clark because I'm not totally sure what it was they found but it was for sure something equivalent to the world of digital coupons.