Grinds My Gears and One That Doesn't

It's that time of the week where I get to be Captain Grumpy Butt for you guys.

1. Lean Cuisines that require stirring 3 minutes in. 

I don't cook. This is why I am eating you, Lean Cuisine. 

If I wanted to slave in the kitchen and stir halfway through then don't you think I would just cook a gourmet macaroni and cheese from scratch?? 

Harvest the noodle crops

Pick the noodle crops and bring them inside

Wash the noodle crops

Milk the cow and blend the milk with string cheese. 

Get out a pot

Put water in the pot

wait for the water to get to bubble

put noodle crop and milk and string cheese in the pot with the bubbles.

Stir halfway through ... B please.

This happened to me last night with their BS Noodle Bake...

I'm 26 years old, living alone and purchased your product in bulk (5/$10 <-- good deal btw ole Krogs)

You think I have a meat thermometer?

Go Jump in the Lake, Lean Cusine. 

Who do you think I am?

P.S. I'm not mad, I'll be enjoying your tuna noodle gratin this evening, but you can't make me stir halfway through and that's final. 

2. Rich people that get DUIs

You are rich.

I'm not rich so here is what I do.

 Ring, ring ring

"Yellahcab how can weh hulp"

"Uh, yeah. Can I get a cab."

You are rich. Get a driver. Get a cab. Get one of your 417 body guards to drive you. Have a party at your house. Get a penthouse next to the bar you can walk to. Have a papparazi drive you, then that rules out the chance of you running them over... two birds one stone.

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Although, I do greatly appreciate Paris taking time to get her head turned to her liking.

"New Facebook Profy!"

3. Bad Tippers. 

I waited tables for 8 years. I'm not saying it is the hardest job in the world but there are things that need to be taken into consideration when tipping.

-your server has to tip out around 3.5% of their sales to the bartender 

-your server has to tip out 1% of the nights sales to bus boys

-your server has to tip out 2% to the girl who just sat you in your seat

So right there, they are losing 6.5ish% of the tip you leave. 

If you do not tip, the server has to PAY to wait on you. 

You order your steak well done?

You are not going to tip. 

Servers know.

Just some food for thought. Pun intended.

....and one that doesn't grind my gears

Patti Stanger. 

Girlfriend is 51!!!

51 I tell you! 

She doesn't even do anything anymore. 

Her only job is to lead cheers.

"No sex beforeeeeeeeeeeee _________ "

 MOOOONNNNNOOOOOGOOOMYYYY

I do feel like her dude minion may be gay though? Anyone else catchin that vibe?

Her new boy from this week's episode... woof.

God took his thumb and just pressed down real hard in between his eyes for a solid 20 minutes.

image via

Awesome dress Stanger

I want it. 

How those brackets doing, kids?